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Never Forget
Donkey Watch
John Aloisi
67 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 25 October 2008
Sergio Van Dijk
612 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 31 August 2008
Jason Hoffman
1238 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: n/a in professional football
Vaughan Coveny
1292 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 30 September 2007
David Zdrilic
1707 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 10 November 2006
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Thursday, 13 November 2008 |
My good friend Doug wanted to know more about the Sydney-Wellington encounter because he was unable to witness the fixture live as he was busy being detained by federal police at the time (I didn’t realise shit posting was a crime :boomtish:), however, I was trying to avoid commenting on this atrocity and more inclined to suppress the cursed memories of this match and store them alongside the scarring of all those childhood beatings and sexual abuse from my youth, letting it bottle up inside until it reaches the point where a psychiatrist can charge $80 an hour to hear about it. Nonetheless Doug, you want to know more about this game? We'll go get your raincoat on because you’re about to get saturated in suck yet again. Sydney V Wellington. I don’t know what was worse about this game, the football or the clichés that were used to describe the result. “Wellington wanted it more” - What did the Sydney players want then? A redundancy cheque? “It was a game of two halves” and both of those halves sucked. Or how about when “McFlynn saw his name in the papers” after pulling his shot wide when he found himself unmarked in the penalty area. Yes, he did see his name in the papers, in the obituaries to be precise, knowing what I would do to him if he missed that shot. You don’t need played out clichés or run of the mill stereotypes however to explain this loss. Sydney lost because they are a shit team coached by a shit coach who play in a shit league.
If teams stop over thinking Sydney’s game, stop worrying about double marking Corica, limiting Brosque’s space to cut in and whatnot, they’ll soon come to the realisation that the Sky Blues are nothing more than excessive hype and mediocrity that is ready to be exploited. This is why the bottom four teams have been having so much luck against Sydney this season because instead of installing the regular repress their positives with negativity which is the norm for title-contender sides who would rather 1 point than none at all, the advance strategy of crossing your fingers, hoping that they’ll out-mistake you has been fruitful for various cellar dwellers. Don’t overestimate the abilities of Herbert and say that he had a specially constructed plan for Sydney’s approach. He didn’t swap Dodd with McKain in the midfield to counter Sydney’s attacking flair; he dropped Dodd back into the defence because Dodd doesn’t suck as hard when he isn’t required to supply anything bordering creativity or imagination. He didn’t put Bertos in the strike force to exploit Sydney's slow defence on counter attacks; he put him there because he wanted to delay Vaughan Coveny’s inevitable milestone of reaching 2000 minutes without a goal for a few more weeks. It was nothing more than that and if you claim overwise, go lodge yourself in to the nearest psychiatric ward because you have some mental issues that need addressing. Now I am not going to offer anything more philosophical than that because that performance on Friday doesn’t warrant a degree of my thought process. Now I’m just going to tear the shit out of these fucking embarrassing anglos who not only devalue the name of Sydney FC but the reputation of Australian soccer itself with the excessive amount of suck that they emit every time they step upon a pitch.
Popovic, I’m painting a portrait of you hanging yourself and hoping that life imitates art because you are fucking terrible. Seriously, you are single handedly turning Sydney’s top 4 ambitions from optimistic to non-existent and I swear to god, motherfucker, I’ll punch you so hard in the gut that your wife will have a miscarriage. Edit: Oh so you do the honourable thing that every Sydney captain does and abandon the team halfway through the season rather than rectify for your mistakes. Thanks! However your retirement is still a good 3 years too late.
McFlynn, I put money on you to score in this game, a lot of money in fact. Now, I want to write with my heart on my sleeve but can’t because I lost the shirt off my back, you pathetic hack. Now bitch, you can go down to your local tab and put a multi down for my left fist, right knee cap and steeltoe boots to be fucking your ass up the next time I see you. Yes, we will get physical like Olivia Newton and I will beat a bitch down like Matthew Newton and unlike Isaac Newton, I’ll prove what goes down won’t get back up again. Seriously, was that some Freaky Friday shit when you lined up for that shot and your body was swapped with Brett Holman’s?
Beau, you seem to be very good at splitting your skull which is ironic because every time you play, you cause us splitting headaches as we wonder why a guy who’s only good for cracking skulls is cracking the first team. Fuck you, you bogan shithead. Just by watching you play, I can tell that your mother did a lot of meth during the pregnancy. Oh, btw, you need a haircut plus every photo of you requires mass amounts of airbrush.
Cole, after having to endure the torment of all those shitty puns surrounding your surname (and yes, torment is the correct term there) it is so gratifying to see you fall off the wagon so dramatically. However, the hype surrounding your incredibly overrated free kicks is still causing my blood pressure to rise dramatically because according to the Fox Sports commentary team, you are a set piece specialist if your free kicks go towards the general direction of the goal. Look, you’re no Kristian Sarkies but in the same breath you are no um…. Could someone email me the a-league equivalent of a good set piece taker because I was about to write Mile Jedinak but then threw-up a little in my mouth. Point is, stop sucking, faggot.
Aloisi, you played 16 minutes against Wellington and those are 16 minutes of my life I can never get back. John, you’re a no frills, no skills, extra stocky version of comatose Jeremy Brockie if he overdosed on mediocrity. Don’t let the marquee tag or the fact that numerous idiots wear Aloisi shirts allude you into thinking that you have talent. The bench is your spiritual home and your performances this season offer nothing to alter that opinion.
What do you get when you splice the genes of Jimmy Downey with Royce Brownlie’s? You get Alex Brosque, a player who was once labeled the next Harry Kewell and now he’s like P. & O., he’s career’s dead in the water. Brosque, I’m writing this paragraph by banging my head against the keyboard, which is surprisingly painless because my head is still numb from banging it on the chair in front of me at the game on Friday due to your shithouse display. If you have ever watched Brosque play in the past 3 years, you would know that nothing encapsulates the word ‘suck’ better than he himself. I don’t get him at all. He can hold off goliaths with ease in one play yet in the next, he will get outmuscled for the ball by someone who is lighter than a wartime kike. He can make a run that can put multiple defenders on their arse but lacks the composure to round off the play and offers a shot that would even make Michael Baird cringe. It’s bloody confusing. Either suck consistently or don’t suck at all. Stop giving us false hopes that you might actually have talent and are not an embarrassment to your parents.
Prentice, if you play in round 12, I’m going to go 12 rounds with Kossie because whenever I see you play, people tell me I need to take 12 steps because I drink until most of my major organs fail due to the fact that I don’t have the mental requirements available to watch you play soberly anymore. Why are you here in the first place? You weren’t even the best in the shithouse team that you fled from. Oh btw Mitch, I’m a chef and I will beat the fuck out of you for what you did to my fellow brother in arms. So come down to Minto McDonald’s and order a serving of today’s special which is an extra large can of whoopass, where I will be giving you complimentary seconds, whether you like it or not.
There were other people who sucked just as much as the above non-magnificent seven but they were just so embarrassing that not even the White Pages will namedrop them anymore. I just can’t believe that a professional team, who train twice a day, 5 times a week, can somehow offer the vast amounts of excrement that has been raping our eyelids this season. During the pre-season, it was very difficult to envision the barrage of disappointment that is currently present, even knowing that John Kosmina is our coach. Oh well, at least we can lick our lips in anticipation knowing it won’t be too long now until Frank Farina, Graham Arnold and Nick Theodoroperopreiohsgsapolous get their annual ‘linked to replace [[insert current Sydney coach’s name]]’ story which, let's face it, is a lot more interesting than any of the football ever on display.
tl;dr version: you’re a faggot |
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Thursday, 06 November 2008 |
We all remember last year when Josh Massoud rescued this code from it’s imminent death when he penned the masterpiece known as ‘Soccer’s return to shame’ where Josh imitated Mr Squiggle and turned your world upside down by revealing the vile truth of the current state of soccer in this country, not holding back in enlightening the uneducated that the game had been overrun with dagos, low-blows and homos. Now The Daily Telegraph is back to single-handedly save soccer once again from the Grim Reaper’s cold touch with their mission to eradicate diving in the a-league by printing article after article, shaming the pathetic antic. Firstly, let me go on the record and say that these are not articles; they are sonnets for our hearts because it’s hard not to fall in love with the newspaper as they tackle the issue of simulation head-on, without fear of possible neck injury repercussions. In fact, reading their latest article on diving, I can only come to the conclusion that it must be asthma in the written form because it’s just so breathtaking. Most fans have snickered at how the newspaper proclaimed that they were “leading the campaign to crack down on divers” which shouldn’t come as a surprise because, as these photos prove, the most intellectually stimulating thing that the average a-league punter reads is either a recipe book or the World of Warcraft manual.
Despite a few rogue haters out there, I must commend Tim Smities and The Telegraph team for spearheading this fatwa on simulation, even though it would be perfectly acceptable for them to be like every other human in the world and be too engulfed with the current Rugby League World Cup to even ponder a thought at the issue. Luckily, we wouldn’t expect anything less from The Daily Telegraph as no one in this country has shown a greater commitment to soccer than they have. The question is though, where is the rest of the media to take on this fight? Where is The Advertiser to report on this? Where is The Age? Where is The Financial Review? No where because none of them have the balls to take on an issue this big. That’s why The Telegraph is the greatest newspaper in NSW, belittling their nearest competitor, The Sydney Morning Herald, who cares so little about this sport that they don’t even think it warrants basic punctuation, as demonstrated with this banner on their website. “Victory is Our’s”? That’s some Bad English like when I see you smile. Either Herald writers a) haven’t heard of spellcheck b) were previously employed by engrish.com or c) are Soulja Boy’s ghostwriters because that shit is pathetic. With The Telegraph around, The Sydney Morning Herald is completely obsolete and serves no purpose whatsoever other than to remind us that the literacy levels in this country are dropping at a frantic pace. Seriously, did they learn the English language from lolcat pictures? Nonetheless, it's good to see that The Telegraph has the morals to take on the diving agenda when they could easily be going for another "safe" story and write about what's the latest thing that's been up Stephanie Rice's cunt.
Sadly though, on Friday night, we were all awoken from our slumber by the shrieking howls of agony from Tim Smities as he found out that he had wrote in vain as unAustralian Cristiano unAustralianly earned Australian side Adelaide United a spot kick with an unAustralianesque dive which has not only reinforced calls for video replays to be introduced but has also earned pleas for tighter immigration laws. We all hoped that with Nathan Burns being shipped off to Cyprus that diving wouldn’t bare its ugly head ever again at Hindmarsh Stadium but you, the fans, were defiled with this tragic incident on Friday, as the nation simultaneously wept for soccer’s withering soul, as we used the Crawford Report to dry our eyes as that report has been demoted to nothing of more importance than a tissue, as we witnessed first hand the game tragically spiral back into the bad old days.
If you have a sweet tooth, I suggest you look away now because I’m not going to sugarcoat the truth here. Diving is for faggots and homosexuality is a disease, so if more government grants were issued to find a cure for the homosexual ailment, then maybe one day, we’ll find a cure for simulation. However, we can’t just blame the labour government for failing to address this issue because they are too deep in the big pockets of the leather pants industry. The FFA is as much to blame for not taking stricter measures to crack down on the epidemic of selective microsecond paraplegia. Bitch, we had a player suspended for 6 weeks for hocking a loogie onto the ground yet you, FFA, feel that diving, which rocks the game's foundations to it's very core, only merits a lone yellow card? Why don’t you go and piss on Johnny Warren’s grave some more, or as it more commonly known nowadays as Ben Buckley’s private urinal. You want to know why there is such public outcry about this? It isn’t about about diving; it’s a symbolisation of the downfall of the modern game itself. Its not just the dive, it’s where even considering it is an acceptable part of a player’s thought process. It’s where pink boots don’t even raise an eyebrow anymore. It’s where women’s football actually exists. It’s where having a chunk of the opposition’s flesh wrapped around your cleats gets frowned upon. It’s where going down in the box is no longer just slang for eating a pussy out. It’s where players only wear nut protectors because they fear Joel Griffiths. It’s where the only thing that gets abused by footballers is corner flags and spouses. We want to go back to the good ol’ days because, durrrrrr, those days were good and FFA, you can try to bring those days back by ridding the game of the epitome of modern football which is diving. Now what's the best way to get rid of diving? Ban all wogs. No, Michael Cockerill hasn't hacked my account; wogs need to go. It's simple. Wops dive, skips genetically can't because it's unAustralian. FFA, outlawing the non-Weet Bix eaters is the only logical option available yet you won't introduce this and you only encourage further diving with your pissweak measures that are currently in place.
That’s why we thank you, The Daily Telegraph, for taking the fight to the FFA, on behalf on us fair dinkum aussie battlers. The modern game just keeps on going from bad to worse, like Guy Sebastian’s discography, which is why your newspaper is such an important rhinoplasty tool in trying to save soccer’s face. We, the fans, don't have the ability to instill common sense into the FFA but masters of the quill like Tim Smities, Josh Massoud and Rebecca Wilson can. So please TDT, keep on fighting for the cause because the quicker diving is eradicated, the less we will be talking about it, which brings us closer to that inevitable realisation where we all finally understand that the a-league really is an embarrassing piece of shit.
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Tuesday, 28 October 2008 |
I will never top this post. Ever. So I hereby retire from the blogging world. Bye. |
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