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Never Forget
Donkey Watch
Dylan Macallister
81 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 31 August 2008
John Aloisi
675 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 19 January 2008
Vaughan Coveny
1162 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 30 September 2007
Jason Hoffman
1164 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: n/a in professional football
David Zdrilic
1707 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 10 November 2006
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Sunday, 01 June 2008 |
As everyone knows I’m not a fan of the delete key. I have nothing to hide and besides, its just a device for indecisive cowards who are too afraid to speak their mind. I don’t even believe in proof reading my articles as everything I write comes from the heart and I don’t want to filter that down with interference from the brain but you, the readers, appreciate the rawness of this even if there is the odd missing comma here and the occasional non-existent word there. Now I don’t want to sacrifice my readership (ie dom and david) by pretending to care about the Socceroos clash on Sunday. While sure, it would be worth noting that Pim is still trying to push Australian football to its death with his fabrication that Harry Kewell has a role within the Socceroos other than to absorb the ejaculation from various Channel 9 personalities. It’s also worth noting that we are now in a 3 day mourning period for the respectability of the Socceroo brand which was tragically taken away from us as Pim was actually dense enough to call up Matt Simon into the national team training squad. And yes, it most probably important to mention that the Flukeroos must have a billion 4-leave clovers the way they have been riding their luck but right now, I just can‘t pretend to care about Sunday’s attempts to bore the opposition into submission with Pim’s 5-5-0 formation or whatever the fuck it was as I am too enraged at the existence of Brett Holman in this world.
Brett Holman is a prime example of how all the talented anglos are out playing AFL while soccer gets stuck with the Brett Holmans. Brett Holman, jesuschrist, he makes Reinaldo look like Ronaldinho and makes Zinedine Zidane look like a retarded Zdrilic. That might seem like a contradiction but his suckiness is so phenomenal that it defies the laws of physics. I guess it’s a bit harsh saying that he was a disappointment last Sunday as he is thought of so lowly that the only expectations people placed on him was that he could tie his shoelaces without drowning. Brett may have only been limited to a handful of minutes but anyone with a basic understanding of how the game of soccer works could have seen that Terry Schiavo would have been a more effective substitution. Brad Halman was just so crap on Sunday that I refuse to even spell his name correctly anymore. Bjork Holmen is like a neverending blowjob from someone who has a fork for a tongue, in that he sucks and sucks and sucks but there is never a happy ending. I have more respect for Pim’s hairdresser than I do for Buck Hulman at this very moment. Fuck you Brett. You’re the type of player who make cancer patients who have just relapsed from chemotherapy, look in the mirror and ask themselves ‘Why does god hate me?’
My hands are still trembling from watching Brett’s performance against Iraq which was so terrible that it has received widespread condemnation from the world leaders. With the Socceroos seemingly coasting to another 3 points, Pim thought that what Australia needed for the last half hour of the game was a lack of stability and outright panic on the field so he threw on Bart Holman to ensure this was effectively achieved. Within minutes Holman found himself in a position to double Australia’s lead but unfortunately for us fans, Brett handles pressure as well as Cher handles aging and found the stress of being unmarked on the corner of the six-yard box too much for him to cope with as he smacked the ball into the outer side netting although knowing Holman, it was probably an attempted backpass. Moments later he showed us the composure of a premature ejaculator in the bedroom as he made a run down the sideline which resulted in the Iraqi defence leaving Bruce Djite unmarked in the penalty area yet instead of passing to him, Holman opted for the option where I throw projected missiles at his head. Then Brett brought forward shame to the entire nation as he channelled in to Patrick Kisnorbo, who we found out was with us in eternal spirit, by replicating kisnooboh.gif; an incident so embarrassing that I hope The AFC kicks Australia out of Asia because of it. Fucking hell Brett, the only thing we want you to emulate of Patrick Kisnorbo is the being injured for 6 months, making you ineligible for selection. And why the fuck does your back have a better first touch than your right foot? Jesus, you are terrible.
###################### Intermission #######################
During the break of this article, perhaps you would like to reintroduce yourself to Brett Holman’s finishing
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His performance against Iraq was right up there with Glitter, Speed 2 and the Nick Berg Beheading Video in terms of how difficult it was to watch and one must question the mental stability of Pim Verbeek for continually selecting him for the national team despite how many effigies of Brett’s likeness the fans burn. Pim, why do you choose Brett Holman to be your illegitimate love child when there are guys like Scott Balderson, an Aussie who plays reserve team football for Stevenage Borough in the English Conference, who would make an ever ideal replacement for Brett Holman as his name doesn’t contain the terms “Brett Holman” in it. With Brett’s numerous inclusions to the national team yet Jamie Harnwell’s continued blacklisting from the Socceroos, international football itself is becoming a farce. I presume Pim falls into the small group of fans that still blindly defend Holman’s actions and treat him as an optical illusion as they deceive the mind into believing that the Brett that got hit in the back with a soccer ball on Sunday is the same Brett who tore the Chinese defence into pieces of confetti back in 2007. Yes, I will concede that he isn’t as bad as Auschwitz I guess (you can put that on your resume, Brett, if you want) but is Pim really too hopped up on painkillers to feel the grief that we all feel whenever Holman steps onto the pitch?
In  closing, this sport is farked and you’re all farked for continuing to support it when AFL is striving across the world.
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Monday, 26 May 2008 |
People, anticipation is growing for the next season of the a-league. Unfortunately, with the off season being as long as it is, your vision of the our domestic game is no doubt becoming blurred as your opinion of the competition’s talent inflates with you thinking it is full of quality due to recent European moves for the likes of Bruce Djite & Ruben Zadkovich thus tricking the mind into thinking that the a-league is a joyful event to attend. Sadly, this is far from the truth. So its time to pleasantly remind you all that the a-league always has, is and forever will be a piece of shit. Fuck me, the a-league is as entertaining as watching billiards being played without the balls and don’t you ever fucking forget that. So sit back and read part one of my 500 part, soon to be Pulitzer Prize winning series entitled The Disappointments of the A-League.
Dwight Yorke:
Before the marquee player slot was reserved for drug cheats, gingers and overweight choco's who had been playing reserve team football for the past 3 years, there was a genuine marquee player in this country and he went by the name known as Dwight Yorke. Playing wise, it was pretty clear Dwight was somewhat past it though. You know your career's down the gurgler when you can't score against the New Zealand Knights without the referee giving you a spot kick out of pity although one could argue that your career’s down the gurgler if you have to play against the New Zealand Knights fullstop. Anyway, before fans could catch onto the fact that he was starting to look like the black Brett Holman, he decided to switch into a defensive midfielder role meaning Sydney played most of the season with 3 defensive midfielders on the pitch, forcing a formation that was so conservative that it made Eddie Thomson’s tactics look audaciously offensive. He showed his true loyalty to the club by abandoning Sydney one round into the a-league season so he could ride the pine down at Sunderland but the move itself will be regarded as one of the most astonishing transfers in a-league history, not because Sydney managed to knick $500,000 for a 33 year old washed up hack but that they got anymore money whatsoever for a player that they had told was free to find a new club a mere 3 months earlier. Lets just say Sunderland manages money as well as Rodney Adler manages debt.
Related: A hypothetical Juninho if he didn’t break his bones as often as Quentin Kenihan does
Not related and is making a mockery of the marquee tag: Ranga Moore, Paul Agoawol, Archibald Thompson
Kristian Sarkies:
Sarkies was easily one of the most hyped up players in the debutant season of the a-league and somehow managed to milk a Socceroo cap out of the sheer stigmata of his name. I don’t know if he had some sort of killer form in the pre-season or everyone took Football Manager as gospel but the whole country had high hopes for this kid and never delivered. Some still believe that he will bring the goods eventually as they cry themselves to sleep as they don’t want to believe that Football Manager could ever betray them by lying about his potential as they delude themselves into thinking that Australian football can genuinely produce footballers worthy enough to play in a competition better than the Romanian reserve league. They should also have an episode on Mythbusters dedicated to disproving the urban legend that Kristian is a deadball specialist because often watching the accuracy of his corners or freekicks, you can’t help but wonder if Alvin Ceccoli is his biological father. The whole deadball specialist is one of the most loosely grasped straw-clutchers that gets used to defend Sarkies but the fact is Sarkies takes free kicks as well as Andy Harper makes puns. Anyway, you can relive the Sarkies phenomenon through Kaz Patafta as he replicates his hype and his lack of ever living up to it (note, soon can be relived through Nathan Elasi if the Melbourne Victory forum has anything to do with it).
Related: Alex Brosque in 2003, The Post 1997 World Youth Cup Kosta Salapasidis
Are you familiar with the saying ‘The best player you never saw’? Yeah, well that doesn’t apply to Alejandro Salazar. Alex The Yank was one of the worst players in the history of the a-league. So bad in fact that he was never even given the opportunity to warm the pine in this country which is saying a lot as our fields have been blessed with the talents of Reece Tollenaere, John Tambouras and Michael Matricciani. While Reinaldo will forever be remembered as the DVD player, Alex was actually the first player to be signed from a DVD. That DVD must have contained footage of Alex teaching Jenna Jameson all that she knows in the deep throating business as Sydney felt that disc alone was brilliant enough to offer him a US$100,000 contract. Really Walter Bugno? You lost only $5million in one season? No I am not surprised that you graduated with honours from the School of Enron Financial Management. Anyway, playing wise, Alex had as much physical presence as a midget and probably had more of a chance of beating his anorexia than beating his marker. Off the ball, it was like witnessing a rugby league player trying to do ballet as he just seems so lost and totally gobsmacked at the whole concept of the game itself as he wandered across the pitch aimlessly with as much grace as a drunk with regurgitated beef vindaloo on his jeans. He was released 7 rounds into the debutant a-league season and now works at Walmart.
Related: Brian Deane, Claudinho
Danny Vukovic:
My god, they must coat the grass in the a-league penalty boxes with phosphoric acid because there is no other explanation as to why this malaka can’t stay in his god damn area. Often, Vukovic can be confused as an attacking midfielder with how far off the line he stands. You’d think that after that attempted header outside the box in the North Korea game which went straight to a communist, resulting in a chance to shoot at an unguarded goal, almost ruining our Olympic Games campaign before Milligan had the chance to or that time when he got red carded in the Sydney derby for deciding to handle the ball outside the box instead of letting the ball run out to the sidelines or that other time where he came up for the corner against Sydney in an attempt to salvage a draw in the dying minutes which almost resulted in the shameful honour of being a rare goalkeeper that Zdrilic scored against that someone might have whispered something into his ear but noooooooooooooo. Jesus, the only thing more inept than Vukovic’s positioning is Australia’s coaching.
Related: Fuckheads
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Monday, 28 April 2008 |
We are just a mere 2880 hours away from whinging about Sydney FC’s lack of width, non existent creativity and the lopsided depth in their squad again as season 4 kicks off but it is going to require many more hours of counseling for us to rid the cursed memories of last season’s campaign. Last season was bad. I mean, it was Police Academy 4 bad. Watching Sydney FC play last season was like getting a handjob from Edward Scissorhands. There must be some kind of ever alluring endorphins that are released from the thundersticks they hand out at Sydney games because I have no other idea why so many people would keep coming back and subject themselves to seeing such shit. To give you an idea as to how bad it was, here is an in depth review of Sydney’s Best XI:
Tony Popovic: Runs like he has had a hip replacement, skulled a litre of wet cement and has a wooden peg that is infested with termites. 1/10
Steve Corica: Do you remember when Steve Corica had a good game? Well unless you own a zimmer frame, you probably don’t. 2/10
Robbie Middleby: I’ve seen paraplegics do better things with their feet than you. 1/10
Clint Bolton: I would suggest that you hang yourself but that would involve your hands so there is a 500% chance that you’d fuck it up somehow. 2/10
Iain Fyfe:
Q. How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Iain Fyfe sucks.
Alex Brosque: Brosque was awarded the MVP medal for his efforts with Sydney last season but the only medal he should have received was a Purple Heart for wounding our grand final hopes and killing Sydney FC’s respectability. 1/10
Michael Bridges: You are like the physical form of chloroform the way you make us sleep. 1/10
Ufuk Talay: Fat. 2/10
Ruben Zadkovich: Thanks for disproving the theory that only women can multitask as every time you step onto a football pitch, you embarrass and disgrace yourself at the same time. 1/10
Brendon Santalab: Ho ho ho you suck. 1/10
Juninho: You’re so weak you would get injured from a wind gust. 0/10
And you know what else is bad? That is the sugar coated version of it. So as you can see, it was completely understandable that Sydney went about to trim the fat and start releasing some of the cholesterol-soaked crap from their team but no one was expecting what would follow next. Yes, you all know what I am talking about. I thought I would have more of a chance disproving the theory of relativity while playing a game of hacky sack with Heather Mills than form a sentence involving the terms ‘Ruben Zadkovich’ and ‘Premiership’ in it yet here we are. Yes, * Takes a deep breath * Ruben Zadkovich is now a Premiership player (for one month at least unless they realize what a terrible mistake they have gotten themselves in to and release him).
The Australian football fraternity is currently having a good cackle at the fact that Ruben Zadkovich, the epitome of how the national youth development system is failing us, is now a premiership player. It’s very difficult to pinpoint why this is so humourous. Maybe it’s because Derby manager Paul Jewell sought to resolve his team’s creativity problems by looking at the a-league. Maybe its because a player who was so inept that he was struggling to maintain his spot in the starting xi from Robbie Middleby has found himself employed again, yet alone in the Premiership. Or maybe it’s because of the sheer concept itself. Regardless, it is a positive for Sydney FC as the a-league wasn’t devolving fast enough to make him look good. Still, this may be part of a cunning plan by Ruben as playing in the English Premier Reserve League has crafted such great players as Ahmad Elrich and Craig Moore, so he’s obviously thinking that this will be the easiest way for him to become a marquee player in the a-league. See, Ruben is thinking outside the box, just like where all his crosses end up.
Sydney is unsurprisingly without Juninho for next season as their 6 digit offer wasn’t enough to woo the playmaker to spend another season in the Aussie Stadium physio room. Actually, he was going to re-sign to a new 3 year deal but injured his wrist midway through signing his signature on the contract. With fellow failure of a human being Ufuk Talay being released, someone will need to step up to turn corners into throw-ins next season. Mark Milligan has also supposedly left the club but he also supposedly left the club for Metz only to come running back with his tail in between his legs before the start of last season because the French side wanted to test his diversity and play him at right back in a friendly match, so one shouldn’t write his absence in stone just yet in case his prima donna symptoms flare up again. Regardless, after last season, I really struggle to believe someone would even let him sign a petition let alone a professional contract. With bench fillers Patrick, Renaud, Robertson, Vidaic and Zdrilic also being de-listed, there was plenty of salary cap space available for the upcoming season and Sydney wasted no time in focusing on their youth development by stealing a couple of players from Newcastle’s youth development system and adding a couple more geriatrics to their squad. I’m of course talking about the signings of Aloisi, Bridges, Colisimo and Musialik.
With Sydney FC’s recent spate of signings, fans have been asking themselves ‘How will Kozzie fuck this up?’ but perhaps they should realize that these new imports are the exact reason as to why Sydney will once again be struggling to get a foothold in the top 4 next season. Face the facts bitches. Aloisi is just an over hyped Petrovski with a better agent, Colosimo was an indifferent Glory player but thanks to the SFCU forum (note: having a grasp on reality is a bannable offence there) is suddenly the best defensive midfielder in the country as players like Malak Jellinak & Greg Brobner don’t play in this competition anymore apparently, Bridges is blah blah blah blah blah faggot blah blah blah metaphoric comparison to feces blah blah blah blah and Musialik has a vertical Old English text tattoo on his forearm so if you’re hoping for some creativity next season, don’t expect it to come from this unoriginal bastard. Hell, if they manage to sign either Felipe, Kristian Sarkies or Kaz Patafta before the transfer window closes, they’ll overthrow the 2002 Senegal World Cup team for the title of the most overrated side in the history of sport. One just has to ask how effective a goal poacher Aloisi will be having to latch onto Fyfe’s killer crosses? Can Colosimo channel in to the much hyped Simon Colosimo of 2004 which people often confuse as the current Colosimo or will he be found out like Brockie, Caravella and Salley as standing out in a pool of diarrhea doesn’t define you as a decent player? Mark Bridges and Stewie Musialik are anglo as fuck so it’s hard to really get excited about them as the most innovative thing their kind has contributed to society is making a clothesline that spins.
Usually around this point of time, Sydney are normally being linked to players they will never sign like Teddy Sheringham, Andy Cole and Christian Vieri but to the amazement of fans, they are actually being linked to players located in their own state. There is a linked player in particular who has been making waves amongst fans despite being white and he goes by the name of Shannon Cole. Cole has been rather decent in the minimal sightings I have seen of him at Olympic although I hesitate to throw excessive praise at him as he plays week-in, week-out against players that made SFC deadweight Michael Enfield and Nikolai Tsattalios receive mass amount of unjustified dickriding due to their pre-season performances against these state league teams. But already you can see the weight of burden the fans have placed upon a player who hasn't even been signed yet. You’d be forgiven after hearing some of the fans’ comments surrounding him that his signing alone will bring forth fluent, free flowing football that will redefine the sport of soccer as we know it with a unique blend of joga bonito, total football and a dab of the catenaccio system which just merely watching it will instantly cure you of cancer. You’d think that with the level of praise heaped upon him that he bought The Cove some beers in the pre-season (milestone 1000th Walter Bugno jab). Kossie has also reportedly expressed interest in yet another left-back named Emmanuel Zunino although any retard can see Sydney needs a left back. Even Branko Culina, who is so dumb that you would think that he was Archie Thompson’s after-school tutor, knew Sydney needed a left back last season and was keen to snatch up Erol Iba but instead went ‘Fuck it!’ and decided to play Fyfe at left back instead. Kossie, any repeating of this and I will ensure that you will be ever so familiar with the taste of my steel toe boots. Seriously, if I see Fyfe at left back next season, Kossie will find out that I punch like Casey Donovan; a one-hit wonder.
So here is a pre-emptive fuck you John Kosmina & Alex Brosque for fucking up next season. This isn’t bigotry for writing off Sydney’s season before they have kicked a ball. I’m just a trendsetter and this will be the norm in 5 months time. Trust me.
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