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Never Forget
Donkey Watch
Dylan Macallister
81 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 31 August 2008
John Aloisi
675 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 19 January 2008
Vaughan Coveny
1162 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 30 September 2007
Jason Hoffman
1164 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: n/a in professional football
David Zdrilic
1707 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 10 November 2006
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Monday, 25 February 2008 |
Firstly, I know this fixture was played on Thursday but I live in the bush and out here we have the standard internet connection of 1996, so it took me a while to download this match. However, this game was so terrible, so utterly shit, so fucken disgusting that I cannot live with myself letting this game go unflamed. So fuck the grand final, fuck the LA Galaxy game and fuck everything else because if I don’t criticize this game, my balls may spontaneously combust from all this bottled up anger inside of me. Perhaps I should have used John Kosmina's postmatch comments where he blamed the astroturf for their defeat as a sign that this should be avoided like every episode of Joey ever made but regardless I followed through and downloaded this piece of shit. Unfortunately, nothing could prepare me for the suckiness that was about to hit my eyes. Not even an hour long montage of Iain Fyfe followed by a best-of compilation of Terry McFlynn’s passing followed by reading Graham Arnold’s book ‘The Definitive Guide to Coaching Football Tactics’ could desensitize me enough for all the suck I was about to see.
 I don’t even want to go into the finer details of this game. It would be like going into the finer details of a dyi colon surgery without lube. The tactics were just terrible. Terry McFlynn at right mid? Santalab as a striker? Mark Robertson playing at centre mi... Mark Robertson playing? As you can already see, there was more suck on the pitch than a Dyson convention so the only thing surprising about the 3-nil scoreline is that it was the fulltime score rather than the 10th minute scoreline. The first goal was just embarrassing. Sure, it was a sublime finish from De Rosario but how the hell does a team who hasn’t played wingers or any sort of width since 2006, not to mention having two defensive midfielders on the pitch, leave a player unmarked in the centre of their final third? The second goal I don’t even want to recollect on. It was just a complete embarrassment to the whole of Australian soccer. The third goal, again, how can the opposition score from passing in a straight line through the centre of the pitch with the non-existence of wide players at this club? This game made me feel literally sick. I started to feel so ill that I thought I'd have to write this article through an ouija board. Oh god this game sucked.
So how about the performances of the Sydney players individually? That’s like describing the detail of the corn lumps in a gigantic turd. Clint Bolton, fuck him. You’d have a better chance proving the theory of evolution to a priest than convincing me that Bolton is a good keeper. I’m sure the Houston players were absolutely gutted they could only get 3 past that untalented slut. As for Tony Popovic, well, I’d feel safer getting skiing lessons from Sonny Bono than knowing Tony Poopovic was in my backline. Oh, and that typo was unintentional but I’m going to leave it there because it sums up his performance rather amply. To you Alex Brosque, I am going to punch you so hard that your next of kin's placenta will have my knuckle impressions on it. I know where you live bitch. Also, who the fuck is Ryan Walsh and why the fuck was he playing? Kosmina, if I wanted to see amateurs suck I would go to youporn.com. Moving on, Ben Vidaic, I don’t know you but I hate you. After seeing that game last Thursday though, someone should have stomped on your mother's ovaries to save the football world of any more atrocities being created. Now for Fyfe. Oh my god, seriously, you must be related to Brett Holman in some way. Mark Robertson - Pretend I wrote something mean that questioned your heterosexuality which caused you great anger. You’re too shit to be worthy of a creative burn. Also, fuck you Brendan Renaud who hasn’t played a good game since Coolio had a hit and fuck you too Nikolas Tsattalios. You suck you little fucking maggot. Make me a falafel you stupid ugly faggot. There were other players who deserve to be insulted but I am so angry my fingers are actually sore from hitting the keyboard so hard when typing this.
As if the game wasn’t bad enough, everyone watching the holocaust in soccer form was cursed to hear this American named Allen Hopkins make a mockery of the English language with his shithouse commentary. It's like finding out that your child had just died and then someone sneaked up from behind you and punched you square in the nuts. This guy was so bad he made Robbie Slater sound like Martin Tyler. Every sentence he finished caused my brain to hemorrhage. If you listen closely to his commentating, you can actually hear my soul cry. I’d rather hear Andy Harper high on helium, singing the karaoke version of Bohemian Rhapsody in Mandarin than hear that faggot Hopkins speak again.
It may just be some unimportant tournament on a tropical island but the lack of professionalism out there suggests you should start using diarrhea as a mouthwash so you are acquainted to the taste of shit that will be presented next season. It was just so… I can’t even finish this article. This game was just so terrible, that, ugggrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Thursday, 14 February 2008 |
It is Valentine’s Day today and what a better time to reminisce on the night the Sydney FC bandwagon broke down, breaking thousands of hearts with it, as the Sky Blues™ couldn’t go a whole 90 minutes without their incompetence showing. Now the members of that bandwagon have to go and wander the desert for the next 40 years, waiting for the next bandwagon to arrive when the Swans make the grand final again. There has been a lot of finger-pointing as to who is to blame for Sydney's elimination from the finals. Some have pointed the finger at Kossie’s uncreative tactics while others have been blaming Juninho’s absence for their team’s demise but who are they kidding? Sydney’s defeat came solely down to one thing and that is the axis of shit; Ruben Zadkovich, Mark Milligan and Alex Brosque. One should note that there is a lot of potential in that shit so one day it may evolve into the axis of rancid period juice. Let’s delve deeper into the three as reluctant as I am;
Ruben Zadkovich was asked to set up and fill Medicare's finest, Juninho Paulista's shoes and play the creative midfielder role and I haven't seen such an incorrect casting since John Wayne played Genghis Khan in The Conqueror. I'm not exactly sure why Sydney wanted to play a "creative midfielder" in the first place as much of their success this season has come from playing football that was as creative as the dialogue in a porno movie. Nonetheless, Ruben mustered up all his talent and made a ton of passes that potentially could have ended up to someone on his own team and made a ton of runs that potentially could have seen him jinx past his marker and one day they’ll potentially find Madeleine McCann. Unfortunately this wasn’t the game where all that potential we keep hearing about materialized as Ruben put in another dire performance that would even make Matt Bingley blush. Luckily for the Sydney fanbase, they don’t do drug testing on coaches or else they wouldn’t be blessed with the wonderful news that Gary van Egmond wants to sign Ruben and unlock all this potential he has. Heh, good luck with that, Gary.
Mark Milligan has been in a rich vein of form lately in costing titles for his team. He scored the own goal that put Melbourne level which ultimately cost Sydney the premiership. It was his airswing in the Australian 6-yard box that saw Japan score which in turn knocked the Socceroos out of the Asian Cup and if you want to get picky, his return to the Sydney side for the last 4 games of their debutant season saw his team slip from title contenders to skin-of-their-teeth finals qualifiers. Sydney needed a leader in this match and Milligan stepped up, to fuck up. I can only assume that Milligan is currently passed out in a warm bath with both his wrists slit because of the fact that he actually got put on his ass by Brazilian failure Reinaldo while on his way to score. Hypothetically, I could probably go to sleep easier knowing that I strangled my firstborn child than I could knowing that I was ripped by Reinaldo Elias da Costa. The question is asked though, can Milligan keep up his costly mistakes or has he hit the wall too early? We still have the Olympic Games group stages to get knocked out of. Milligan has been showing a lot of potential lately and who knows, we may be witnessing the beginnings of the Kisnorbo of our generation. Only time will tell.
There are three little words you never want to hear a woman say. Those words are “Brosque is playing”. Everytime I see Brosque play, I want to punch him until one of his kidneys fail. I’d rather use a cactus as a dildo then go through the pain of watching Alex Brosque’s last game again. Sure, the elements were against him by having a coach whose brain seems to be stuck in 1940 by thinking that hoof n hoping is a good tactic and sure, playing as a lone striker with Ognewogski & Moore on your back isn’t helpful either but still, continually opting to get reacquainted with the sensation of having grass burns on your stomach rather than staying on your feet to be in a one on one position with the keeper doesn’t win you any gold stars either faggot. You always know when the former Marconi striker is in a really bad patch of form as the “potential” tag gets spun into overdrive and I don’t think I have heard that word “potential” used more frequently and more absurdity since the Lee Sharpe days at Manchester United. Either that or they changed the definition of the word “potential” when I wasn’t looking.
Oh well, Sydney now get to compete in a tournament that no one will care about but will have numerous news articles saying that it will be “building ties” and “strengthening bonds” with two countries that no one here cares about, which is ironic when Sydney FC can’t even establish ties with the head soccer federation of their own state. God I hate this sport.
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Friday, 08 February 2008 |
It brings me much sadness to report that two players retired from international football last night. It brings me much more sadness to report that none of those players were named Brett Holman. I hate Brett Holman. I just want to put that right at the beginning, rather than you spending a few sentences deciphering where this article is going to. Just in case your mind wandered, let me just repeat that again; I hate Brett Holman. Firstly, if you want some toss about “potential” or “great pedigree” you’re in the wrong fucking place. What in christ’s name is he still doing in international football? I would say he’s overrated but I can’t find a single person who rates him. If he was a Jew, people would condone the holocaust. He’s so shit that he even sucks in a parallel universe. I didn’t really care about his continual call-ups to the Socceroos despite being well aware of his inability but was pleased he was there because it kept players like Alex Brosque and Danny Invincible out of the national team but I can accept his shitiness no longer. Brett, you’re a fuckwit. You’re so crap that not even Frank Farina capped you. Watching you play left blisters on my eyes. Everyone wishes your mum had a miscarriage. You are utterly terrible. It was at the 78th minute when I realized that we had zero chance of qualifying for the World Cup as Pim was actually dumb enough to sub Holman on. Pim, I want a handwritten apology from you, delivered to every household in Australia for what you did. That was quite simply disgraceful. Sure his last game wasn’t exceptionally bad (by his standards anyway) and only had one phenomenally stupid fuck up but he is just lulling us into a false sense of security and then the next game, boom, karma is restored as the ballboys return to trekking into row z, his communication skills will only be matched by a mime and his trademark run the ball down the sideline, stepover stepover stepover until the ball goes out for a goalkick returns. Brett is so crap that he makes Michael Baird look like Pele. Jesus, even David Zdrilic shits all over Holman like a Cleveland Steamer. Hell, Brett is so crap, he doesn’t deserve paragraphs. In fact, if you ever see his girlfriend with a bump on her stomach, please kick her in the gut until you see raspberry jam running down her pants. We cannot take the chance of Holman spawning a child as shithouse shooting may be hereditary. Not that we have to worry about that because knowing Holman, he’d couldn’t “hit the target” if he was following directions on a diagram. Besides, if he ever has sex, that bitch will wear 50,000 diaphragms because she would rather have a case of malaria than bare the seed of the whackest player from Australia. Brett Holman, seriously, how the fuck have you scored 45 goals in Holland? Are the goals over there 80 metres high and all the goalkeepers are blind amputees with narcolepsy? Fuck you. I challenge you to a fight. Meet me at the corner of Junction & Prospect Rd, Ashfield at 6 o’clock. I will fuck you up bitch. Don’t snitch.
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