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Never Forget
Donkey Watch
Dylan Macallister
81 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 31 August 2008
John Aloisi
675 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 19 January 2008
Vaughan Coveny
1162 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 30 September 2007
Jason Hoffman
1164 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: n/a in professional football
David Zdrilic
1707 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 10 November 2006
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Wednesday, 02 January 2008 |
So it’s the end of another year. Thank Christ that last one is over because it was quite simply a terrible year for Australian football. Commentators stopped calling Adelaide striker Bruce Djite, Bruce Jaaaaaight and started calling him Bruce Jit-aaye for some unknown reason. Kevin Muscat found out that his hair and his scalp were parting ways. Terry Butcher finally got the sack which was a relief because we haven’t seen something from Britain bomb this bad since the London Underground. All defenders whose name starts with I and ends with AIN FYFE still suck. Kruse and Zullo replaced Burns and Djite as the great white hopes that will never make it. Frank Farina decided to scrape some kids straight out of their mother’s ovaries and throw them straight onto the pitch, dripping placenta and all, and are somehow looking at their first final series birth. Kaz Patafta came home and people still aren’t sure if his attempts to be one of the poorest Olyroo players ever is supposed to be a gimmick or not. Jesse Fink mistook his TWG blog for livejournal and cried some boohooohoo emo shit about people calling him a fag just because he is a fag - what a fag. Kevin Airs never took up my challenge to a rap battle, thus proving that he is a pussy coward who has never been deflowered. Melbourne Victory choked and Ernie Merrick didn’t know the Heimlich maneuver. Jardel got sacked and the shareprice of Four`N Twenty Pies dropped as a result. The Asian Cup reminded us that the only thing whacker than Graham Arnold is Miriam’s ballsack. And a black team from New Zealand whose only purpose was to battle it out for the wooden spoon and sign all the fringe players from the other a-league clubs was replaced with a black team from New Zealand whose only purpose is to battle it out for the wooden spoon and sign all the fringe players from the other a-league clubs.
This year hasn’t started off any better as it seems the fumes from the FFA’s own arrogant hype about Australia being a powerhouse in Asia has impaired their vision once again with the news that there will be an all-star a-league squad representing our nation in the World Cup qualifiers. Here is a quick reminder why the FFA should stop confusing the AFC with Oceania;
- Australia proved its powerhouse status in Asia by winning one game in the Asian Cup.
- The Joeys lost to Laos and thus missed out on qualification to the AFC U-17 Championship. You'd be lucky to name the country's capital yet alone a player from Laos; that's because you are all ignorant bastards who have spent a four figure amount on voting for who you want evicted from the Big Brother house.
- The Under 20's finished second to a bunch of filthy communists in their group at the AFC Youth Championships qualifiers and thus proving Stalin > Menzies.
- The Olyroos only qualified for the Olympic Games by scoring a hand of god goal against North Korea but sadly for Adrian Leijer, that is the only thing he will have in common with Diego Maradona besides being completely washed up before his 30’s.
- And none of the domestic clubs got past the group stages in the Champions League which in l33t speak means lm4o sk`pz fkn o_0wnd ¬.¬ The highlight for the local scene was seeing Adelaide defeating Dong Tam Long An away. It was quite pleasing to see Aussies win in Vietnam for a change.
Plus, the A-League champions Melbourne Victory lost to a second string China side in a friendly, which wouldn’t be too concerning except the FFA are actually serious about wanting to name an all a-league squad for the World Cup qualifiers. Jesus, what made you think that this would be a good idea? Why don’t you douse your 18 month old child with cattle blood, stuff sausages down its underwear and leave it alone with a Pit Bull Terrier that you had been poking with a stick for the past hour. Let me tell you, the consequences of that would not be as bad as playing an a-league squad for the World Cup qualifiers.
Now obviously, the FFA needs to keep the European clubs happy by refusing to call up our Socceroo stars for the qualifiers as we will need them all available for the ever important filming of another shitty Weet-Bix commercial but surely they must understand that declining to call them up will result in zero chance of World Cup qualification which means next time around, our stars will be filming advertisements for povo cereal brands like Tasty Oats or All-Bran. I don’t know why they don’t do ads for All-Bran already because this tagline would totally kill it; “The Aussie fans must be on the All-Bran challenge because when they saw Kisnorbo & Beauchamp in the backline, they started shitting bricks.” I only wrote that last sentence to ensure all the keys were working on my keyboard so just ignore it.
The fact is we need the Australian government to bail us out again. The Liberals saved our asses by launching the Crawford Report investigation and now it’s time for Labour to step up too. Lebanon got their Asian Cup qualifiers canceled when their country went to war with Israel, so what we need the Australia government to do is start a war with one of our neighbours so we don’t have to compete in these World Cup qualifiers. I would recommend Nauru because, come on, they had it coming but I would also condone any action taken against New Caledonia because they speak French and everyone there is named Jean-Luc or John-Rene. Look, you’re either called John or you are called Rene; stop being a fucken coward and pick one. Once we get this war crackin`, we can get our international fixtures suspended indefinitely and yes, it will hurt our nation’s reputation but losing to Qatar in a World Cup qualifier because we thought Jamie Coyne and Alex Brosque could do the job will hurt our country’s reputation more. It’s a penny for your thoughts and that’s why the FFA isn’t making a lot of money. So FFA, you should take my 2 cents to the bank because the interest on that shit will make it worth millions in no time but once again you won’t because you’re all too busy to read this at the moment as you are in an intense meeting about what colour the handclappers should be at the a-league grand final.
So in closing, Lowy out, Labbozzetta in.
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Written by Philip Ruddock
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Saturday, 22 December 2007 |
What up nutfuck,
It's your boy, P Ruddah, back from his one man mission to boost the birthrate in Cambodia. Yeah, you know the saying, its not rape if they blink twice for yes. It's also not rape if they are screaming "rape" either. Whatever haters, I'm a kosher gangster i.e. pigs don't fuck with me, so don't even waste your time filing out those police reports hoes. If you try, then motherfucker, I’ll send my homies around, take you to a quiet spot in the woods and you may accidentally fall down some stairs if you know what I mean. Anyway, my brother from another mother's cunt wanted me to write up an article about women's football and yo, I have a bit of experience in that field, not as much experience as putting stretch marks on woman footballer's stomachs but still, lets get writing niggahs.
Aye, I can tell by the yellow liquid running down the leg of your trousers that you heard about Labour getting power. Yeah what can I say, the Australian public are idiots. Nigga, us Liberals had a phickety phat policy of continuing to pwn the living shit out of those terrorists regardless of how much oil their country has (regardless wasn’t the correct word I was looking for), just so we wouldn’t lose to them. No ties, hell, not even overtime; that’s how committed we were to fucken beating those terrorists. Them Labour spastics countered this by promising better dental care. Well we’re not in power anymore so apparently it’s more important for Australians to travel with the reassurance that their teeth were repaired with the finest porcelain crowns when their plane gets hijacked and crashes into a building. Fuck you Crean/Beazley/Whoever the fuck is running Labour this week, you all know if the Ruddstar was running for PM, we would have burned all your asses to cinders like backpackers in Flinders. Straight up cunt. You know the dealey.
Ayeyo, apparently them Labour socialists know a dealer in Canberra that I haven’t been introduced to yet because, what I can only presume came to them under the influence of some of the most crunked chronic ever, they thought it would be a great idea to give the FFA $8million to go towards a women’s league. Suckor, when I heard they were going through with their promise, I marched straight into the Governor General’s office and demanded a vote of no confidence on their bitchasses. Fuckers listen up, what was your favourite memory of the Women’s World Cup? Seeing that player get subbed off in tears after being bodychecked? Seeing that other player being subbed off in tears after she mis-headed the ball? Or seeing that other player being subbed off in tears because she had grass stains on her jersey? Yeah, good work Labour, I can’t wait to see shit like this every week. With great initiatives like this, we won’t have to wait long for your lot to run the national economy into the ground, bringing us into the second great depression. Well done faggots. And ayeyo, just before you cockknockers think I’m getting soft in my old age by watching women’s sport, let me set you straight. I wouldn’t willingly watch that shit but I was hoping some chick (preferably some chick from Sweden) would do some Brandi Chastain shit and take their shirt off after they scored a winning goal or made a successful pass or successfully exhaled oxygen. Yo, and after seeing the ratings for the tournament, it’s pretty clear that there are a lot of fellow stick-shifting perverts out there on the same wavelength.
Yo, straight up, no filler, women’s football is about as much fun as watching paint dry… on women footballers. Fuckers, call me old fashioned but yo, I don’t believe trying to bore the opposition to sleep is a great tactic. It is an absolutely terrifying thought that women will soon have a professional outlet to play this whack shit. Millions of dollars will be thrown down the drain, never seeing profit because of it. And cheah, while the same can be said about its male counterparts, their version doesn't require excessive alcohol poisoning to make it bearable to watch (Perth excluded). This isn’t hedonism, it called having a grasp of reality. Face the facts bitches; women’s football is utterly terrible. We won’t hear anything about women’s soccer again for another 4 years when the Matildas make the next World Cup and that’s only if their team isn’t overrun with unshaven dykes at that time. So what be this gangster’s point? Well for women’s football to survive here, something has to be appealing and if the football isn’t, then the women have to be. The problem with this though is most of the women look like they use phosphoric acid as a facewash. Sure some of them look alright but for most, it looks like Dick Cheney used their faces as target practice.
So my niggas, if you want women’s football to gain respect in this country and in turn survive, you’ve got to maintain a strict protocol of high standard. 33C minimum. Upholding the rules of freshly shaved and moisturized legs. Insisting that their faces don’t look like a bowl of oatmeal that’s been regurgitated. Copy the a-league’s rule of making sure that not only the away team wears white but so do the home team and ensure that every game that isn’t raining be postponed. Support these strict measures and maybe one day, women’s football will be as vastly respected as Jelly Wrestling or Foxy Boxing. Fuck being politically correct, the only purpose for women’s football is to make us critically erect. If any of you faggots have a problem with these facts, don’t post a fucken comment like the virgin internet loser that you are; say it to my face. I’ll be the guy who’s breath smells like your girl’s cuntscent. Motherfuckers.
Anyway, peace out my dawgs
The Rough Riding Ruddock
The Shadow Minister of Morals & Ethics
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Saturday, 15 December 2007 |
Mark Rudan is a gutless, disloyal, heartless coward who does not deserve an ounce of respect. I have more respect for child molesters, granny killers and channel 7 presenters than I do for Mark Rudan. Why? Because this week, news has filtered through that with Sydney's most intense run of matches approaching, Mark Rudan has decided to show how much of a traitor he is by abandoning the club to link up with a second division side in Japan who's season doesn't even start until another 3 and a half months.
“Mark, you sickening sack of shit. Your stomach is the graveyard to 100,000 Chicken McNuggets. And your wife is a slut Rudan. Yes, I’m spreading the news, and ‘news’ is the nickname I gave your wife’s twat. I hope you die of SARS over there.” That should be the natural reaction when seeing Mark Rudan because now that he wants to play in Japan, Iain Fyfe gets to return to centre back. Instead, The Cove, who aren't renowned for their intelligence (see the support of Walter Bugno after revealing $5million in losses, the riot that broke out when Steve Corica studded Steve Pantelidis and their cockriding of embarrassments such as Terry McFlynn for more info) have naturally responded to this news with great sadness, showing the utmost honour for the man. Congratulations Cove fans, you’re all fuckwits!
Look, Rudan is not a bad defender, nor is he a "living legend" or a "true club captain" as some of the fans have labeled him, but to show admiration to him after leaving Fyfe in charge at the centre of defense is absolutely despicable. Just writing that sentence infused me with so much rage that people can actually hear my heartbeat thumping in my jugular vein right now. Iain Fyfe, jesus christ, I can name cancers that I would rather have than see him at centre-back. Do you remember fyfenutsack.gif or fyfeshitcross.gif or fyfegettingowned1.gif or fyfegettingowned2.gif or fyfegettingowned407.gif? I do as they permanently sacred in my mind, haunting me every night, resulting in many hours of physiatrist treatment to help me cope with the incidents. Fucking hell, how can you not be worried? This is the same Iain Fyfe who failed to weather the likes of Stewart Petrie and Sean Devine the last time he played in the heart of defense.
So instead of preparing for happiness as Sydney looked certain for the a-league finals despite Branko’s efforts to prevent that, we are now awaiting to be served a gourmet platter of le ass de whooped in every game with a sidedish of creme de la ownagé with Fyfe’s repositioning to centre-back. Sadly, there are no better alternatives here. There’s Timpano but if all the cosmic stars aligned to create the rare phenomenon that Timpano is actually fit, he’ll probably find out that he is allergic to the sideline paint and won’t be able to play. Option B is David Zdrilic and I don’t need to go into further detail about that one.
I’m an emotional wreck right now. I’ve got Crowded House’s ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’ on in the background and as soon as that chorus hits, I’ll be bawling. I just cannot cope with the fact that today, when that final whistle blows, that it will mark the end of an era of Iain Fyfe not playing at centre-back. So Sydney fans, do not show the putrid excuse of a human being known as “Rudes” any praise as he has well and truly fucked our season. After the game, chase him into the carpark and make that “Big Blue Man” a “Big Black & Blue Man” for the crime of stopping us making the finals series. Violence is always the answer, even when a question hasn’t been asked.
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