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Donkey Watch
Dylan Macallister
19 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 31 August 2008
Jason Hoffman
920 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: n/a in professional football
Vaughan Coveny
936 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 30 September 2007
David Zdrilic
1707 minutes without a goal
Last Goal: 10 November 2006
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Friday, 19 October 2007 |
In today’s article of utter nonsense, we review the latest waste of money out of the EA Sports headquarters in FIFA 08. While I wouldn’t classify myself as the gamer type, the prospect of seeing Perth Glory suck in another 3-dimensional format overwhelmed me and this utter piece of bollocks is now in my possession. Before we embark on EA Sports’ flogging of a dead horse, which at this stage, the horse has been flogged so much that it looks like strawberry puree, lets get a little backstory on the game.
FIFA is a long soccer gaming series dating back to the old 1800’s. It has long been the best soccer game on the market mainly due to it being the only soccer game on the market. This may be because all the developers in the world know that the Commodore 64’s International Soccer is the best soccer game ever and they shouldn’t even bother wasting their time trying to top it. At some point though, the Pro Evolution soccer series arrived and EA Sports had to pick up its game to compete with it. Instead they decided to repackage the same game year after year except with a different cover and an even shittier soundtrack.
The game has been on the market for about a month now but I have been rather reluctant to purchase the said product because a person named Jaza from the SFCU forums is a head researcher on it. Don't get me wrong, Jaza seems like a nice bloke despite the fact he speaks with a weird scouse/cockney/french accent even though he's lived in Australia since he was 2 but he has this odd fetish of getting attached to shit footballers. Last season, he was adamant that Nikolai Topor-Stanley was the greatest defender ever during pre-season and all the sheep at the SFCU forums started saying the same thing until they actually saw him play. This season he has been worshiping the likes of Michael Enfield and Adam Casey, the latter of whom could be best described as average or worst described as the reason why Sydney FC's crowds are down by 3000 people this season. Once again though, hundreds of sheep were saying the same thing just because of Jaza's word and I'm starting to wonder whether or not he genuinely believes that these players are good or because he wants to find out how gullible the Sydney fanbase is. Despite my fears that Jaza would corrupt the game with his uneducated views, I decided to give it a shot.
I haven’t played a FIFA game since the 1999 release, which wasn’t too bad as the controllers are exactly the same as they were back then except at sometime during the past 9 years, they made the right togglestick an object that makes you do stupid tricks that will get you dispossessed in microseconds. However, it seems that EA Sports wanted to compensate for all the years of piss-easiness by making the controllers as difficult to control as guiding a bull through a china shop after you had given that bull a pill of ecstasy. The developers say you have to learn the skill of passing but that is just code for shitty developers fucking up. Take this ever frequent scenario where you had the sheer nerve of trying to pass to an unmarked player directly in front of you but the game decided to make a backpass to the goalkeeper instead. Or if you wanted to make a slide tackle from behind on a player who was going through on goal but the game decided that your intended course of action was to slide tackle the invisible ant nest that was 5 metres away from him.
One of the game’s biggest selling points was the “realistic graphics”; however, if your last gaming system wasn’t an Atari 2600, you won’t really find this worth hyping. Still, in EA Sports defense, “realistic graphics” sounds a lot better than saying “catching up to industry standards” doesn’t it? Since most of the time the game is played in ant mode anyway, I could hardly give a shit about the graphic improvements, yet for the few seconds they have a close-up of a player, I don't see why they would want "the realistic graphics" to be a major selling point. For instance, when they had a close up of Archie Thompson, I couldn’t figure out if it was him or Angelina Jolie's adopted child Maddox. Ditto Dean Heffernan who looks like a retarded version of Lucas Neill. And Mate Dragicevic could have easily been confused with Nicolas Cage if he were a kemo patient on his deathbed.
There is also a new feature in the game where you can take control of just a single player as opposed to a whole team and try to build him up as a superstar but if you're anything like me, you will simply use this feature for evil purposes and run to the other end of the pitch to slide tackle the goalkeeper for no apparent reason. However, the novelty of running around aimlessly loses its appeal after a few minutes when you realise that you only get to touch the actual ball two to three times a game. It’s like being in a pool orgy and you’re the guy checking out the algae levels.
Some of the other pet peeves that gets on one’s nerves include:
- The commentator’s voice showing less expression than a child with autism
- It’s generally boring (and trust me, after watching a whole season of Terry Butcher’s tactics, I don’t use that term loosely)
- It tries too much and fails in every department because of it. The game can’t figure out if it’s a soccer game, a single player simulator or a manager roleplayer. If Iain Fyfe was a video game, this would be it.
- It doesn’t live up to the hype, which mind you, if it did, they would have had Jesus himself coding the game and it would come with a free accessory pack that gave you blowjobs at any given time.
- They should have gone with the title “Overhyped Fifa 07 update pack that costs $120”
If you’re the type of guy who enjoys this game, then you most probably found The Wedge a comedic masterpiece and felt sorry for Simone Warne when Shane cheated on her. You also probably own a Fyfe shirt. You should stick to streaking across rally tracks idiot. Fifa08 sucks.
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Thursday, 18 October 2007 |
Cockpunches, rioting and Ahmad Elrich gaining employment. After the a-league managed to go two whole days without embarrassing itself, they decided to stoop to even lower levels of stupidity with news filtering through that Ljubo Milicevic is going to be fired for
not eating his Coco-Pops. Now we all know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day thanks to Healthy Harold the Giraffe propaganda but this is ridiculous and all it is doing is promoting Carlos Hernandez to eat more which can’t be a good thing. But what is the real reason to why this is happen? The answer is Frank Lowy being too deep in the pockets of big business.
Notorious Zionist Frank Lowy is trying to keep his sponsors happy, in this case Sanitarium, which is why the FFA are allowing the discharge of the best white player in the league because he didn’t have a bowl of their sponsor’s wonderful product, Weet-Bix, which has that great taste you can only get from eating a Yellow Pages book but with twice the chewing difficulty. Don’t ignore the facts. Sanitarium is run by Hillsong and isn’t it a coincidence that the a-league’s only Jewish player, Michael Enfield, is now out “injured” for the rest of the season.
At times, the FFA seems like its run by a bunch of nutcases who got evicted from the psyche ward but in reality, all they are doing is trying to keep their sponsors happy, no matter how stupid their product is or how little marketability it has to the fans. Like the time Sydney FC was sponsored in the Asian Champions League by Tourism NSW, who decided to put English text on their away jersey even though they were playing in non-English speaking countries. Masterstroke. Or something closer to home, like when the Daily Telegraph sponsored the Central Coast Mariners even though no one in the Central Coast knows how to read. That is why the FFA will do various irrational actions at times to keep their sponsors happy because if businesses are dumb enough to put money into this decomposing league which has some Weekend at Bernie’s shit going on, they are dumb enough to do it again.
So did Dwight Yorke leave because Sydney accepted a $500,000 bid for him, or because he wanted to trade-in his Hyundai Elentra five-door hatchback with leather interior and GPS navigation for a Holden? Has Nick Rizzo been spending time on the sidelines because he was drinking water at halftime instead of Ballantine’s 12-year-old Pure Malt Scotch? And was Sydney FC fined because they were smuggling funds into David Zdrilic’s private offshore bank account or because they weren’t smuggling funds into David Zdrilic’s private offshore Zurich® bank account?
We are through the looking glass people.
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Written by JayFC The Internet Warrior God
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Thursday, 11 October 2007 |
 This Monday, Josh Massoud, a rugby league writer, finally had the balls to say what a soccer writer couldn't; the truth. While most Australian soccer writers are usually living in a drug induced fantasy, claiming lies such as the arrival of football in this country or how the national league is striving or some other fact-distorted hogwash that could have only been conjured up while under the influence of peyote supplied by Frank Lowy himself, Massoud decided to report on the ugly reality of the current situation. Of course, revealing the truth has its side effects as it has resulted in numerous left-wing, Greens-voting, Free Tibet banner-waving, “boo-hoo-hoo African kids deserve to have clothes too”, Hybrid-car driving, “I am a vegan because all animals deserve the right to life plus it gives me numerous opportunities to brag about how I have taken this self-righteous stance and make you feel cruel and evil”, goatee growing, “women should be paid the same as men” whinging types responding to this like their world views; stupidly.
While Massoud could have done the normal response like all the a-league reports by mentioning bullshit about “confidence building” or “good workout” or “testing conditions” or all those other creative ways they use to describe shit football, he decided to draw attention to some of the more shocking incidents of the round by mentioning Joel Griffiths’ cockpunch, Jets supporters burning of rival supporters merchandise and the incessant rioting from Sydney fans at this weekend’s game against Melbourne. This has angered many fans, with some even proposing that they organize protests against The Daily Telegraph for publishing an article about soccer without mentioning Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy or all the usual make believe crap they are so use to. Before you idiots cry a river so large that not even Moses could part it, let me explain to you why Massoud was right to draw attention to these incidents;
Incident 1 – Joel Griffiths cockpunch mayhem
Tell me one heterosexual thing about this incident. You can’t. So what’s the opposite of heterosexuality? People against god’s way. Which brings me to a quote from Leviticus in the old testament (aka the right testament): “If a man has intercourse with a man as with a woman, both commit an abomination. They must be put to death” yet the a-league didn’t even give him a suspension for this. The normal punishment for such a damning incident would to beat Joel Griffiths right there with a bible. Then make him read a page of the bible, tear out that page, force him to eat it and repeat until vomiting occurs. But since the FFA decided to not take action on this, they are now clearly stating that there is no god. This is a sport organization; they shouldn’t be supplying social commentary views, especially wrong ones.
Incident 2 – Scarf burning mayhem
Have you seen the design of the Mariners’ scarf? Its fucken terrible! I can't think of anything other than to set it alight. Seriously, the only time I would want this to be seen around my neck is if the other end of the scarf was tied to a tree branch 8 feet high in the air, being used as a noose, with a suicide note written in blood in my pocket. What Massoud was trying to bring to everyone's attention was the lackluster quality in merchandise and rightly so. I mean, fuck, even the NRL's dog
merchandise is better than the a-league’s human merchandise.
Incident 3 – Sydney FC rioting mayhem
Isn’t it a “coincidence” that when you make up words such as “de-ethnicized” and “anglo-saxonfied” to describe your league from its predecessor, you start to appeal to people who think these are good attributes and these people tend to be white supremacists who start riots. It’s doesn’t take a genius to realize that these said people were angry at Mark Shield for sending off one of their white brothers for studding a wog and decided it was time for mob rule. Say what you like but when you have a skinhead like Andy Harper as your competition’s leading commentator, its only natural for these people to be attracted to this game. Thank god for Massoud for not letting this incident get swept under the rug.
But despite all of this, fans have seemingly taken more offense to being likened to the National Soccer League. Let me just ask, why are you ashamed of being compared to the NSL? There were wogs, lappers, cevapi and players who surnames only ended in ‘vich’, ‘ski’ or ‘opolous’. If anything, you should be honoured to be given such a comparison considering how young your league is. Let me tell you, there are a lot more worse and more accurate things you could have been called other than the NSL, for instance the title “Soccer’s return to shame” could have easily been “Cockpunching, Rioting & Scarf Burning: The a-league is just another sign of how the public school system is failing us”.
So Josh Massoud, you have a new award that can be placed next to your 2006 News Awards’ Sports Journalist of the Year prize because I am giving you the 2007 Golden Kahunas award, something that pissweak delusionalists like Simon Hill and Mike Cockerill will never receive since they are too busy playing with the pixie dust fairies, claiming Nathan Burns is the next Harry Kewell. Congratulations Josh.
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