Con Boutsianis was framed! Ned Speaks On His Retirement | Ned Speaks On His Retirement |
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| Written by The Great Ned Zelic | |
| Monday, 18 August 2008 | |
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My good friend Ned Zelic, who has only attempted to sue me twice, wanted me to pass on this message to you, the fans. Australia, I know you are going through a grieving period with news that the Olyroos couldn't come marginally close to replicating the greatness that I managed to carve with my feet during the 1992 Olympic Games. However, I may have spiralled the whole nation into suicide watch with the news that I, Ned Zelic M.D., have retired from the game of soccer. For the loss of Ned Zelic, I, Ned Zelic, would just like to speak on behalf of Ned Zelic and apologize for breaking all your hearts and I send my condolences to you all. This announcement is like I have infected you with Parkinson’s Disease the way I have just shook your world. Let me assure you though that I did consult with Kleenex before I made my decision to ensure they wouldn't be out of stock for the Australian public during this difficult period. Unfortunately, I was forced into to making this decision despite my physical perfection and my borderline orgasmic style of play because Russia had launched a war against Georgia over me. Some say I should have just gone and played in Russia to stop the innocent loss of life but I say let the bloodshed continue as I refuse to be a pawn for political hardball as I want to keep my respect upheld. The Ned Zelic’s phone has been ringing off the hook from people offering me well wishes on my future ambitions. I even got a phone call from Prime Minister Kevin Rudd but he said he rang the wrong number. The accolades continue to role in even today. Just a few hours ago, I, Ned Zelic, on behalf of the FFA, offered myself the chance to have a lap of honour around every a-league ground to give tribute to how I single handedly revolutionised football in this continent but I had to turn the offer down because I remembered in 2005 when Harry Kewell got a lap of honour at EnergyAustralia Stadium for um… what again? Going a whole week without pulling a hamstring? It’s incidents like this that makes The Ned Zelic regret turning his back on his much beloved homeland of Croatia. To show you how little the Australian public thinks warrants a lap of honour, the Matildas even got one for being eliminated in the Girlie World Cup. The Ned Zelic does not approve of any honourable laps for women footballers unless they achieved a worthwhile cause like being inseminated with my seed artificially or officially. Sadly, convict country loves parading losers which is why on ANZAC Day they all flock the street to salute the men who served against the Vietcong when the only salute those men deserve is the one-fingered kind for failing to do their job. Nonetheless, The Ned digress. The Ned Zelic is a very grounded and level-headed man so The Magnificent Nedjeljko Zelić would like to thank a few people for their support and encouragement over the years. I would like to thank first and foremost, Ned Zelic for the years of motivation he has supplied me. Sometimes I have felt in doubt of my own ability but whenever those evil thoughts crept in, I could always rely on the mirror to show me Ned and be reminded of what genetic perfection is. I would also like to thank the late Eddie Thomson for the years of coaching that I didn’t listen to. If I had listened to him, who knows, maybe I would have known what it’s like to be Harry Kewell i.e. a pathetic waste of chromosomes who brings forward a suicide-inducing shame to his whole family whenever he steps upon a pitch. The Ned Zelic would also like to take a moment to thank another former coach in Frank Farina. Yes, you read that right, I would like to thank Frank. They say that a broken clock is right twice a day. I never really got that saying; we only have digital clocks in our house. The point is, Frank, if you weren’t such an uneducated douche bag, I wouldn’t have walked out on the Socceroos. But you are, and I thank you for that because if you weren’t, then The Ned Zelic wouldn’t have been so inspired to achieve so much worldwide success just to spite you. Once again, thank you Frank and your underdeveloped brain. Is football big enough to survive without Ned Zelic? Of course not. The Ned Zelic knows that with his retirement, football will never recover from this crushing blow. In fact, I just saw ‘Football’ listed in the obituaries, which is unsurprising in all honesty. But we must look at the bigger picture here, which is me, Ned Zelic. Retirement is something that The Croatian Goddess Known As Ned Zelic hasn’t fully thought about yet. I presumed my days will be spent posing for statues that will be crafted with only the finest quality of gold. Maybe The Ned Zelic will vary it up by thinking of new and creative ways to ignore the miles of fan mail that is piled by his letterbox. Unfortunately, while The Ned Zelic wants to kick up his heels and enjoy his retirement, he is too overwhelmed with guilt for not being able to afford to offer the whole nation compensation for the traumatic counselling that they are going through because of his decision. I do know that you are all shaken and my heart goes out to you right now. Just look at all the candlelight vigils that have been set up for me; people have been so distraught with my decision that they have been unable to pull themselves together long enough to be able to set up these vigils. People, I know what you’re going through and let me just go on the record and say that, yes, I fully endorse any Honour Killings from parents wanting to spare their child from living in a world where Ned Zelic isn’t playing anymore. It’s a totally justifiable act and any courtroom that disagrees is obviously out-of-touch with the public. Some people have asked that I donate my body to science when I die. I hated science at school though, so I might donate it to maths instead. I guess that’s why so many people tell me to kill myself; they are just eager scientists who desperately want to work on my body. Again though, I can’t think of myself right now as I am too concerned for the public‘s well being because of my decision. It would be somewhat out of character for The Ned Zelic to think about himself anyway. My children, I know you are saddened that you won‘t get to see The Great Ned Zelic anymore but remember, if you ever need me, you can always find me inside your heart. Let me offer you some final words of wisdom for your meaningless life that will fill you with some fleeting joy. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together. Although if I had that sort of power, I wouldn’t stop there. So many more letters would be repositioned. Oh so many alternative letter positionings. But now The Ned Zelic must bid you farewell so you can reminisce on the memories of a lifetime that I have supplied you with throughout the years. Yours Forever The Legend That Is Ned Zelic Ned Zelic             
the artist formerly known as jayfc wrote on August 23, 2008
Title: ...
guys, i was just googling my username and it turns out some fat pom from birmingham thinks he can use it too. well i say he can, as his disgusting mug has permanently tarnished my good name. he has a bunch of accounts on various pussy-seeking forums where loners try to meet ugly chicks with low self-esteem and i dont need to poost on innernet to get pussy as i am heaps handsome and gay. i may have to shut down this site and delete all my forum accounts to avoid being traced with that shithouse username. i just dont think i can live with the shame of my name being used by this dude.
ps jesse fink great article about hakan sukur A would read again
|| the artist formerly known as jayfc wrote on
August 23, 2008
Honorary Serb wrote on August 25, 2008
Title: ...
His slouching so far into his seat that he almost ended up bonding with the floor during his WC2006 tenure on the SBS wog station is the highlight of his career.
website || Honorary Serb wrote on
August 25, 2008
the frederick wrote on August 26, 2008
Title: ...
hello my name is the frederick an i am from victoria
i demand that i have my own section on this site so i can right humerous articls as you have i am garanteed funny because i am ukranian and ukrainia is funny i like melbourne victory but hate melbourne victory fans because they tease me ps, scooper9 is gay
|| the frederick wrote on
August 26, 2008
Honorary Serb wrote on August 26, 2008
Title: ...
Frederick,
You are very unattractive man & Shevchenko is shit football player. As for your Scooper comments he is too ugly to be gay. This site as designed,updated,maintained,coddled & loved by JayFC is an exercise is homoeroticism as the sexy burberry cap man who is the centrepiece for this piece of Internet faggotry.
website || Honorary Serb wrote on
August 26, 2008
the frederick wrote on August 27, 2008
Title: ...
i play world of warcraft under the usrname sexcman69 and i am the best at this gamne because i have hooked up my old super nintnendo shooting apparatus to the computer to play world of warcarft because this benefits me greateley i am going to the game on friday and i will have so much fun becasue i will meet new frends and they will all like me
ps, i have seen a picture of scooper9 on a plane and he looks very gay
|| the frederick wrote on
August 27, 2008
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