A tribute to emo kids 

This is a tribute to all the non-conforming conformist kids of the EMO trend and their deformed heads. Enjoy, relate but don't conform.

Jilted Anguish
"My soul was tortured by the hyperbolic madness"

No one is a hundred percent sure if you're a man or a female. Either way, I pray to god that your sexual organs are never used for breeding purposes. Nothing like a 1970's pop culture reference ironed onto your 6-year-old brother's t-shirt to prove how out of the mainstream you are. Although I feel quite slack for picking on someone who has had their arm amputated.

Blistered Heart
"I am trapped in Gods hell"

This children is known as the typical emo pose. You don't have friends to take a photo of yourself because having friends would be conforming and conforming is not emo, so naturally you have to take your portrait by holding a camera above your head to prove that you're not bald. That lip ring will defiantly make you look quite the individual when you’re crying at that Dashboard Confessional concert.

Bludgeon Youth
"Dwelled in the loneliness that shallowness created"

All female "emos" must take their photo like this. You see, normal male emos tend to look like regular females which causes mass confusion. As a female emo, you must show some signs of breasts so your peers will have the perception that your either a female emo or a very sensitive emo male. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOW YOUR FACE! NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOUR EYEBROWS LOOK LIKE! YOU ARE EMO, DON'T CONFORM BY HAVING A FACE!

Ravaged Crow of Darkness
"Cut me, I won't bleed passion"

You are 35-years-old but don't let that stop you from doing the local scene and playing songs about your jadedness for society because your 14-year-old girlfriend of 4 months dumped you because you got fired from Burger King. Your only source of income is from selling cassettes of your live shows. Your homelessness cannot be avoided.

Wallowing Othello
"If I passed you on the street, would you see my shadow"

You think that taking a photo of your stoner red eyes will make people see the torture that is carried on your soul. The real reason is because you're so embarrassed to show a shoulder-up photo of yourself because of your numerous amounts of chins. The over-applied eye shadow is a sign of an emo-savy follower or a Kings Cross prostitute.

Trapdoor Cubed x3
"Nihilist Owl of Haydes"

To think that only a moment ago you kids were playing Dungeon & Dragons, complaining about how many experience points are needed to overcome the Bestow Curse. Now, you're taking a photo for your myspace profile. You guys can't possibly be friends, you're emo. That's conforming. Ah, now I see. You're in a band. You write lyrics about nothing in particular but it touches the hearts of 16-year-old girls who have a deep desire to carve "death" into their forearm.

Atheist Evangelist
"The reckoning will surpass"

The confused gay cowboy look is quite a prominent one in the emo Bohemian. You must keep your face covered at all times to hide the tears that run down your face at every moment due to your bleeding soul being trampled upon by society with their unaccepting looks. Why look up when your only going to rot in the ground anyways.

Savaged Untrained Thoughts
"Left right out of your heart"

This picture is great. The kid doesn't even have the common courtesy to wipe his pimple puss off the mirror. He(?) obviously hasn't been following My Chemical Romance for too long because he forgot his black nail polish and doesn't have an unnecessary face ring. Actually, most guitar picking emoists wouldn't even acknowledge this ball of emotation as he doesn't own a 1982 Polaroid SX-70 with self-developing film. Not even your studded silver belt will save you poser.

Kindred of Now
"Tomorrow is just a noun"

7 - Why apply that black eyeshadow underneath your eyes when you have that natural effect thanks to your numerous lunch time beatings from the jocks at your private school. Don't forget that every true emo has to photoshop his picture so he looks palier than an albino corpse.

Victim of Velocity
"My soul was sold for ignorance"

Despite your "alternative" hair-do and your "arthouse" light shading, you cannot hide your inability to handle the sudden influx of hormones that occurs through puberty which has lashed your face so terribly. As you find it difficult to cope with your broken voice, you assimilate with the emo fad because you can relate to the artwork on the new "About a Boy" album.

Artic Silhouette
"Drowning in the compassion of death"

After having your tarot cards stolen from your locker, you decide that soothing Matchbox Romance lyrics such as "fall asleep tonight, cuz' that brings me closer to you" connects with your mindset. Unfortunately for your parents, you have 50 suicide notes in your drawer that will never be needed.

Maths

If David Beckham sent Rebecca Loos 42 text messages costing 0.12 euros each (standard Spanish Vodaphone rate), then David Beckham's dignity was worth 5.04 euros or $8.11 in Australian currency.

Here are 50 famous movie quotes, in my pants.
 
 "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn, in my pants."
 Rhett Butler, GONE WITH THE WIND - 1939
 
 "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse, in my pants."
 Don Corleone, THE GODFATHER - 1972
 
 "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, in my pants."
 Dorothy, THE WIZARD OF OZ - 1939
 
 "Go ahead, make my day, in my pants."
 Harry Callahan, SUDDEN IMPACT - 1983
 
 "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up, in my pants."
 Norma Desmond, SUNSET BLVD. - 1950
 
 "Use the force Luke, in my pants."
 Obi-Wan, STAR WARS - 1977
 
 "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night, in my pants."
 Margo Channing, ALL ABOUT EVE - 1950
 
 "The stuff that dreams are made of, in my pants."
 Sam Spade, THE MALTESE FALCON - 1941
 
 "They call me Mister Tibbs, in my pants."
 Virgil Tibbs, IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT - 1967
 
 "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore, in my pants."
 Howard Beale, NETWORK - 1976
 
 "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, in my pants."
 Rick, CASABLANCA - 1942
 
 "I am big! It's the pictures that got small, in my pants."
 Norma Desmond, SUNSET BLVD. - 1950
 
 "Show me the money, in my pants."
 Rod Tidwell, JERRY MAGUIRE - 1996
 
 "You can't handle the truth, in my pants."
 Col. Jessep, A FEW GOOD MEN - 1992
 
 "I want to be alone, in my pants."
 Grusinskaya, GRAND HOTEL - 1932
 
 "Round up the usual suspects, in my pants."
 Captain Renault, CASABLANCA - 1942
 
 "I'll have what she's having, in my pants."
 Some Old Hag, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY - 1989
 
 "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow, in my pants."
 Slim, TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT - 1944
 
 "I'll be back, in my pants."
 Terminator, THE TERMINATOR - 1984
 
 "If you build it, he will come, in my pants."
 The Voice, FIELD OF DREAMS - 1989
 
 "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get, in my pants."
 Forrest Gump, FORREST GUMP - 1994
 
 "We'll always have Paris, in my pants.
 Rick, CASABLANCA - 1942
 
 "I see dead people, in my pants."
 Cole Sear, THE SIXTH SENSE - 1999
 
 "Shane. Shane. Come back, in my pants."
 Joey, SHANE - 1953
 
 "Well, nobody's perfect, in my pants."
 Osgood, SOME LIKE IT HOT - 1959
 
 "It's alive! It's alive, in my pants."
 Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, FRANKENSTEIN - 1931
 
 "Houston, we have a problem, in my pants."
 Jim Lovell, APOLLO 13 - 1995
 
 "A boy's best friend is his mother, in my pants."
 Norman Bates, PSYCHO - 1960
 
 "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good, in my pants."
 Gordon Gekko, WALL STREET - 1987
 
 "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, in my pants."
 Michael Corleone, THE GODFATHER II - 1974
 
 "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again, in my pants."
 Scarlett, GONE WITH THE WIND - 1939
 
 "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into, in my pants."
 Oliver, SONS OF THE DESERT - 1933
 
 "Say hello to my little friend, in my pants."
 Tony Montana, SCARFACE - 1983
 
 "What a dump, in my pants."
 Rosa Moline, BEYOND THE FOREST - 1949
 
 "Here's Johnny, in my pants."
 Jack Torrance, THE SHINING - 1980
 
 "They're here, in my pants."
 Carol Anne, POLTERGEIST - 1982
 
 "Is it safe, in my pants."
 Dr. Szell, MARATHON MAN - 1976
 
 "Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet, in my pants."
 Jack Robin, THE JAZZ SINGER - 1927
 
 "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico, in my pants."
 Caesar Enrico Bandello, LITTLE CAESAR - 1930
 
 "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown, in my pants."
 Walsh, CHINATOWN - 1974
 
 "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, in my pants."
 Blanche DuBois, A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE - 1951
 
 "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make, in my pants."
 Count Dracula, DRACULA - 1931
 
 "Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star, in my pants."
 Julian Marsh, 42ND STREET - 1933
 
 "Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go, in my pants."
 Ethel, ON GOLDEN POND - 1981
 
 "Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper, in my pants."
 Knute Rockne, KNUTE ROCKNE: ALL AMERICAN - 1940
 
 "Who's on first, in my pants."
 Abbott, THE NAUGHTY NINETIES - 1945
 
 "I feel the need - the need for speed, in my pants."
 Maverick, TOP GUN - 1986
 
 "My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you, in my pants."
 George M. Cohan, YANKEE DOODLE DANDY - 1942
 
 "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too, in my pants."
 Wicked Witch of the West, WIZARD OF OZ, THE - 1939
 
 "I'm king of the world, in my pants."
 Jack Dawson, TITANIC - 1997

Crimestoppers Appeal

Scotland Yard have launched a graphic advertising campaign to showing the long term effects of crack addiction. The picture below shows the effects of crack on Roseanne Holland.

Horrifying.

More Maths

If Rosie Reid sells her virginity on eBay for $22800, then one Jihad suicide bomber (who will receive 72 virgins in martyrdom after completing his mission) is worth $1641600

Cheaper by the Dozen 3 

Cheaper by the Dozen plot summary: Blah Blah Blah Family. Too many fucking kids. They're dickheads. Parents can't cope because blah blah blah. Dad has job in big place. Blah blah blah. They move. Mum pisses off to fuck some guy or something. Crap happens. Ashton Kutcher! Dad quits job cause of his bullshit family. Credits roll. You barf. Japanese girl in school dress licks it up.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 plot summary: Blah Blah Blah Family on holiday. Too many fucking kids. They're dickheads. Parents can't cope because blah blah blah. Dad has job in big place. Blah blah blah. They move. Mum pisses off to fuck some guy or something. Crap happens. Ashton Kutcher! Dad quits job cause of his bullshit family. Credits roll. You barf. Japanese girl in school dress licks it up.

It's time for some proactive action. Why sit around and let my hallucinatory thoughts of Tyrannosaurus Rex's riding chocolate bicycles go to waste when I could be writing the epic conclusion to the final chapter in the Cheaper by the Dozen trilogy spectacular.

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 3
By
Rupert Madballs XII

INT. STEVE MARTIN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The Cheaper by the Dozen kids are watching the Joe Berg beheading video. Steve Martin notices the fat kid has dirty shoes on.

STEVE MARTIN

Steve Martin pulls a grenade out of his pocket, sticky tapes it to the kids head and pulls the trigger. The fat kid explodes.

STEVE MARTIN

The kids start painting the walls with his dismembered organs. After the kids are done painting the house with his blood, a few of them approach Steve Martin who is reading a 1974 Hustler magazine

FAT KID

STEVE MARTIN

Steve Martin pulls out his killing knife and cuts open the small kid

STEVE MARTIN

Ashton Kutcher enters the room

SOME KID

Ashton Kutcher trips over some soap and hits his head with some cooking pots over and over and over again

ASHTON KUTCHER

FEMALE KID

Then Nicolas Cage jumps through the window and starts singing Young MC's classic hit Bust a Move

THE MILKMAN

Show 15 minutes of tanks blowing up Ice Cream Trucks

INT. STEVE MARTIN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Steve Martin is giving a sperm necklace to an apple pie while his kids walk in

STEVE MARTIN

KID

STEVE MARTIN

KID

STEVE MARTIN

OUT. CEMETERY - PRINCESS DIANA'S TOMBSTONE - NIGHT

STEVE MARTIN IS HOLDING A CHICKEN DRUMSTICK

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

OUT. SWEDEN - SOME BULLSHIT SWEDISH CLICHÉ SETTING WITH MOUNTAINS AND SNOW AND SHIT - NIGHT

Steve Martin and the kids are in Sweden

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

Moments later, they have successfully taken over Poland

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

SHAQ

OUT. JAPANESE SKYLINE - EXTERNAL VIEW OF BOEING 747 - NIGHT

As the kids return to America from their successful invasion of Poland, their plane is attacked by a Giant Nuclear Bonzai Tree

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

STEVE MARTIN

KIDS

Michael Jackson approaches the Cheaper by the Dozen kids

MICHAEL JACKSON

STEVE MARTIN

OUT. STEVE MARTIN'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

THAT ANNOYING KID THAT WEARS THE BEANIE

Steve Martin points to the cat

STEVE MARTIN

INT. STEVE MARTIN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

The family is at the dinner table eating shampoo out of the fine cutlery
 

STEVE MARTIN

UGLY KID

Steve Martin passes the salt.

The door bell rings.

FAT KID WITH BITCH TITS

STEVE MARTIN

Steve Martin opens the door.

RICK

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

STEVE MARTIN

SMALL KID NO ONE CARES ABOUT

STEVE MARTIN

SMALL KID NO ONE CARES ABOUT

STEVE MARTIN

SMALL KID NO ONE CARES ABOUT

STEVE MARTIN

SMALL KID NO ONE CARES ABOUT

STEVE MARTIN

SMALL KID NO ONE CARES ABOUT

STEVE MARTIN

SMALL KID NO ONE CARES ABOUT

STEVE MARTIN

SOME OTHER KID

DAVID

INT. DISNEYLAND - SPACE MOUNTAIN - DAY

Steve Martin is fistfucking the Virgin Mary

STEVE MARTIN

OUT. HIGHWAY - INSIDE CAR - DAY

Steve Martin crashes his family's Mitsubishi Pajero into Herbie the Love Bug

STEVE MARTIN

SOME KID

STEVE MARTIN

Some kid points to Herbie the Love Bug car with the 3 dismembered bodies scattered across the road

Credits roll

FIN

Where's my Oscar already?